A few words about the office holiday party - by Gregory Roth

I just want to say a few words about the office holiday parties. I hate them. They're awful, they're usually a disaster and they're usually an extension of your job... so feel free to decline the invitation if you have had enough of these people. But make sure your excuse is really good so they won't judge you. Maybe mention a colonoscopy that day... They'll believe that; just tell them that you're replacing one pain the ass with another.

But if you have to go, keep certain things in mind. Open bars are dangerous. A person who has too much to drink and is surrounded by representatives of a company he doesn't like very well is never a good combination. You may be inclined to offer suggestions of how to improve the company, "That boss 'o mine... you oughta fire him, he's about as useful as a one knobbed Etch-a-sketch."

In those situations, one can only prey that the person you're talking to has had more to drink than yourself. I remember one company I worked at, each person got two free drink tickets when they walked in the door. After that, you had to pay for your own drinks but honestly, to keep things safe from verbal (and visual) blunders, two drinks is all anyone should have at these things.

I remember the person in charge of the drink tickets was no tea-toadler himself and he couldn't remember who he gave drinks to and how many. People kept asking him for more free drink tickets. "The people at my table said something about free drink tickets..." we would say, "We didn't get any drink tickets."

"Oh gosh," he said as he ripped off some more drink tickets. "Did I forget to give you some drink tickets? Here ya go, MERRY CHRISTMAS."

Then after dinner we could approach him again, "Didn't the newsletter say something about free drink tickets? We didn't get any drink tickets."

"Did I forget to give you some drink tickets? Here ya go, MERRY CHRISTMAS." Ah, nothing like the ol' holiday spirits.

FOOD. Ah yes, the food. If it's a pot luck, never criticize the food regardless of how grotesque it may look, taste and feel. And I understand how hard it is to resist the temptation to yell out, "WHAT'S THAT?" if a dish is completely unidentifiable, but if you must say something about a dish that you are less than fond of, call it "interesting."

"Interesting" is a nice generic word that can be used to describe just about anything. And it can be taken as a compliment too. Especially by those who have had more than their share drink tickets. If it's taken otherwise, you can deny any ill intent and insist it was meant as a compliment. But do not forget to give them that "deer in the headlights" look for effect.

Pot lucks are the scariest of all parties. Last year my office party was a pot luck and everyone brought a dish to share. I was unable to attend and yet I was the only one who did not get terribly sick. Catered parties are always the best.

I attended an office holiday party many years ago where they tried to engage us in singing Christmas carols. Have you ever tried to sing "Carol of the Bells" with a bunch of drunks who have never rehearsed it before? Those things always turn out to be a really bad variation of karaoke and the only way around it is to only request selections from The Chipmunks Christmas Album, everyone will think you are trying to imitate Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

Gift exchanges are always awkward. I always thought it would be fun to get something really tacky like a pink flamingo for their front lawn or, better yet, A CHIA PET. Now that's a tacky gift, and one people would be too embarrassed to re-gift. I knew a guy that gave his brother in-law a chia pet one year for Christmas as a joke. The following year the brother in-law re-gifted the chia pet back to my friend who re-gifted it back to his brother in-law the year after that. They passed it back and fourth, year after year, like some people do with fruit cake.

All this talk about holiday office parties gives me the shakes. My advice ti me is to get appointed to the Holiday Party Committee and make some changes:

1. No free drinks but if there are, all bosses have to be more drunk than everyone else or they can't come.
2. The food has to be catered in... I'm thinking a pig roast would be nice.
3. No singing... this means YOU!!!
4. Everyone gets a chia pet.

Do I know how to throw a party, or what?